


not the same

by avengingwinchesterangels



Series: never quite there [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-20
Updated: 2015-06-03
Packaged: 2018-03-28 18:59:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 15,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3866122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/avengingwinchesterangels/pseuds/avengingwinchesterangels
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>the sequel to never quite there. dean is learning to live without cas. sam is trying to help. chuck is planning something big for both heaven and earth. hell is never in the picture. somewhere along the way love wins in the end and they try to retire from the life. in the end it will always be in their blood.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i original said that this was going to be from deans pov. as i was writing it in my head i came to realize that there are so many sides to the afterstory that need to be told. I apologize for taking so long to get this posted. I've been dealing with writers block as well as real life.

I stood frozen in horror of the scene before me. Cas had been strung up by hooks and chains. He was strapped to a chair and had been tortured. It was hard to tell where it was all coming from. I was trying to focus but it was hard with Cas' pain and fear coming through our Bond. 

I heard Lucifer speaking but my mind was slowly fuzzing up. My only focus was Cas. I could think of nothing to say that would make her release him. I saw the angel shrug before dragging the dagger across his throat. I screamed in unholy wrath at the angel. Before Cas could bleed out she stabbed him in the chest. 

I felt the moment the knife pierced his heart. Everyone froze in shock as I started chanting in Enochian. I have no idea what I said but from the expressions on the four angels faces it was not to be taken lightly. I somehow managed to turn a fully Graced angel into a pile of dust. I don't really remember how it happened. 

The next thing I do remember is clutching cas' broken body screaming. It wasn't til Sam laid a hand on my shoulder that I knew it was pointless. Cas was gone and never coming back. Every dream I had been harboring about us getting out of the hunting life for good was gone. Gone were my dreams of having kids and expanding the broken thing I called family. 

Sam and Gabe had released Cas' wings. I cut the bindings on his body. In the back of my mind a voice whispered 'his wings should just be scorch marks on the concrete.' I shoved the thought and all the implications it brought up out of my head. I could feel the tears rolling down my face as I ran a hand over Cas' wings.

In my mind I flashed back to the first day I had met Cas. The shadows on the barn wall. Then the day we had mated. The way I would plunge my hands into his wings. The way he would moan as I groomed his wings in our bedroom. I grabbed a handful of feathers while all of this poured through my mind. I could feel something inside me just fall apart.

It might have been my soul but I didn't care. My reason for living was now gone. Then Chuck showed up. He said that he was there to claim the body. That he was going to take it back to Heaven for a proper procession. I fought him on it. I fought till the thought that chuck taking his body was too much. It would make it too final.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam's POV. Dean is struggling with life and Sam has so much to handle. If it weren't for Gabe Sam would be going off the deep end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because I care about my readers I will TW for this chapter and another. There is an Implied Suicide Attempt. It's nothing Graphic because even I used to struggle with it. reading about it doesn't trigger me anymore. writing it is another story altogether.

I was worried for my brother. He had finally had a chance to be happy and then it was gone. He had told me that he wanted out of the life. He and Cas were gonna move to a small town, raise several kids and get a dog. Dean was going to open an auto shop and Cas was going to go back to making furniture. 

Me and Gabe had talked about settling down because Dean was the hunter. I wanted that apple pie life. Gabe and I were going to settle down in the same town as Dean and raise our kids there. When Dean had passed out after the argument with Chuck I picked him up and Gabe took me back to the bunker. Once I had settled Dean in a spare bedroom, I met Gabe, Michael, Lucifer and Chuck back in the living room. I was going to get answers, dammit. 

I heard Lucifer from the hallway. He said “Dad what the hell is going on? How the hell did a human least of all a Winchester get those kinds of power?” I stepped into the living room just as Chuck said “there are things about dean and Cas you guys need to know because it defies everything I said I would do.”

“this story starts when I created Dean's soul. I had asked a lonely fledgling to help me with the creation. That fledgeling was Castiel. I did not realize it at the time but Castiel had become attached to the soul. It did not occur to me that dean's soul would remember that attachment.  
When I asked Castiel's garrison to pull Dean out of hell, I knew that Castiel would not stop until the soul was safe. Castiel had no memory of the soul because he had been mind wiped by Naomi too many times. Dean's soul had imprinted Castiel. It could not be avoided. Even if Dean had found somebody here on earth he could never love them the way he does Castiel.  
Anyways, when Castiel was rebuilding dean's soul he had reconnected to it. Once it was time for Dean to surface on Earth, his soul refused to let go of Castiel. Finally to pacify his soul, Castiel bound a tiny drop of Grace in Dean's soul with the promise that he would come back for it. Dean had surfaced on Earth and neither of them remembered the grace. At the time it was so small nobody would know it was there.  
Castiel never retrieved the Grace and dean's soul had gotten used to it being there. As time went on the Grace grew in power. Dean's soul was used as a cover so that the Grace was made hard to detect. What had once been a drop is now an endless ocean. Dean never knowingly used it. The bonds on the Grace do not allow for conscious use.  
The Grace mainly made it self known through battle. That last bit of strength to finish an enemy, that needed second wind, the ability to heal in several days rather than weeks, there was also a gracefulness and silence to him. All of that was the Grace manifesting but building. Once Castiel had applied the angel warding on your ribs that Grace grew off the charts once it knew it was undetected. It has a mind of its own but it still remains bound like a tiger on a leash. To unbind it is to court disaster because it is also stabilizing dean's soul. Right now to remove that Grace would kill dean.  
Anyways, the bonds on the Grace were loosened for an instant and you saw the damage he did. Dean will assimilate Cas' Grace into his soul but this Grace must never be unbound. As a matter of fact once the inherited Grace has been assimilated I want to remove the bound Grace from his soul. Cas knew what he was doing when he left that Grace bound in Dean's soul.” 

I was in shock. I had just learned that my brother was harboring more power than the three archangels that sat in my living room in his soul. That Cas had knowingly put that Grace there and let it grow. Cas can be a sneaky son of a bitch when he wants. It only made me admire him that much more. 

“oh, on another note. When dean wakes up, he won't be dean as you know him. This will be a hollow almost lifeless version of him. I'm giving him a week before I step in and shape him up. Boys, I’m gonna need your help keeping an eye on Dean.” chuck said just before he left.

He was right. It took three days before dean woke up. When he woke up I could see it in his eyes. All the light and life in his eyes was gone. His mind was coping but would never recover from the loss. I wanted to reach out to him but I didn't know how. 

It hurt me to see my brother suffer while I was happy. Underneath the grief of losing Cas I was happy with the way my life was now going. I had Gabriel and we were going to have a kid soon even though I wouldn't tell Dean. My broken family was getting smaller and expanding at the same time.

I could see it in dean's eyes every time he saw me and Gabe in the same room together. For three days my brother wandered through the Bunker like a zombie. Finally I sat him down and said “Dean, you gotta show some form of life. I get that Cas is gone but I miss my brother.” that set him off.

That night Dean started drinking. He went on a week long bender that was scaring everybody involved because the man should be dead with the amount of alcohol in his system. I'm guessing that was the Grace in his soul protecting him from himself. The final straw was when I caught him in the bathroom of the Bunker with his favorite knife. He was covered in blood and staring at his arms in shock.

I was the one to clean him up and put him to bed. I was the one to hide his knife and clean up the bathroom. I was the one to look him in the eye over breakfast and tell him it had all been a really bad dream. His arms had healed up overnight, thank God. He had no proof that it had been otherwise. After the two botched suicide attempts, Chuck came back for him. 

We had just finished breakfast even though Dean didn't eat a whole lot. Chuck showed up grabbed dean by the arm and took off. I have no idea where they went and I was on the verge of panic when Gabe grabbed me by the arm and said “they'll be alright. Dad has some revelations to pass on to dean-o. Calm down. They'll be back before too much longer, alright?” he leaned in and kissed me on the forehead.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On to Chuck. Maybe we can get some answers for what he's doing. Or maybe not???

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is not turning out the way I had planned. Also all of this is unbeta'd so any mistakes are mine.

even with everything going on in Heaven, I felt the moment Castiel died. I felt Dean avenge his Mate with an unholy wrath. Normally I would never admit to it but I felt fear at that moment. I knew that dean was harboring an ocean of untapped, untainted Grace in his soul but the bindings on that Grace could only be undone by Dean himself. I'm just happy that Michael never possessed Dean. Michael had no need for that amount of Grace. In fact too much of Grace that pure would have destroyed Michael.

That Grace that rivaled even that of an archangel was to go to Castiel's resurrection. I was going to wait until after the youngest Winchester was born to unbind it. To unbind it now would kill Dean. It was stabilizing his soul right now and to pull it away from him when he so desperately needs it is wrong on so many levels. That Grace was feeding the child in dean's soul.

I can just imagine how powerful that kid is going to turn out. The youngest Winchester will be more angel than human. The Grace would be split three ways. Part of it will go to the child before it is born. Part of it will remain behind in dean's soul and the rest I will take for Castiel's resurrection.

While dean was off on his bender I disappeared from Heaven again. I had already spoken to Castiel and gotten his agreement on several things. Next I went back in time to collect several much needed objects. Once I was done collecting the objects that Castiel had helped me to pinpoint in time I went to the empty space between Heaven and Earth.

Laying on a table was Castiel's broken body. I took a rag and dipped it into a bowl of scented water. I slowly wiped the blood from his body as I whispered “My dear child, what have I done to us?” I wiped until the front side of his body was clean. I cleared the water in the bowl before I slowly flipped his body over. 

As I cleaned his body I cringed when I saw the skin missing from between his wings. I could not fix that only dean could. I could repair the skin but the rest was on dean. I already had plans for Castiel. The angels were going to doubt me for this but I feel that he deserves more than he's been given. 

I finished with his back and moved on to his wings. As I cleaned and straightened every feather I noticed several were missing. I knew dean had them. They would be the final key in the complicated lock that was my son. Once I had finished cleaning Castiel's body I turned him back over. 

I walked over to the shelf that held the items I had gone back in time for. One was a bottle of whiskey that dean and Cas had shared; in the bottom of the bottle was the barest hints of the amber liquid. Next was dean's leather jacket and favorite plaid shirt. Laying on top of that was the Samulet. Next to the clothing was a cassette tape. I grabbed the cassette tape and stuck in the player and let AC/DC ring out through the space.

Laying next to the Samulet was a pair of rings. To the casual eye they may seem like ordinary rings but they were a sign of the commitment that Castiel had for dean. Next to the jacket was a pile of tan cloth, Castiel's old trench coat. This one was the original one not the replacement. Sitting next to the trench coat was a stuffed toy. 

It was a bee. Cas had bought it for the baby when he had found out he was carrying. He had never gotten the chance to do anything with it. Cas' angel blade also lay on the shelf along with the knife dean had stabbed Cas with when they had first met. There was also the badge that dean had given Cas along with that damn tie Cas always wore wrong. 

All of the items on the shelf had sentimental value. I would need all of them to remind Cas' Grace of who it belonged to. I turned away from the shelf and back to the still broken body on the table. I slowly mended the wounds. I mended the skin on his back but I could never replace the physical representation of his Bond. 

I went searching for Cas' soul and it was right where he said he would be. He was standing at the far edge of his heaven watching earth looking for his mate. He looked at me and said “It's time isn't it?” all I could do was nod. I reached out and laid a hand on his shoulder.

Within an instant I was holding a ball of blue light. I took and tipped that light into the whiskey bottle I had grabbed off the shelf before leaving the empty space. Before I went looking for Dean I put the whiskey bottle away. Of course he was with his brother who was trying so hard for him. He was totally numb to everything, nothing anybody said would faze him.

There was only one way to get through to him. You have to show him the concrete evidence. I took dean into his own soul. It was horrible. He used to shine so brightly now it was a bare shimmer of light. 

His soul was a total wasteland. It used to be so much more. As a matter of fact his soul was falling into itself. There were only two stable places in his soul. One of them is where the Grace is bound the other is where he carries Castiel's grace. After a while of walking we happened upon a stream of Grace that flowed to a point in his soul. 

As we stood beside that stream he finally asked me “Where are we?” I told him “take a good look around. This is your soul. This is how far you have fallen since you lost Cas. It reminded you of another place and you thought you would find him at the side of the stream. I am truly sorry, Dean. If I could have done something about it I would have done everything I could to prevent it.”

I watched in silence as dean finally broke down and let out all the tears he had been holding in. I wrapped my arms around him and said “lets not spend too much time down here. We don't want to get stuck. You can come back here when you're ready.” I carried him across the stream to the place I was looking for. 

What had once been an easy path to travel suddenly got more difficult to the point that I could not move. I set dean down and said “only you can clear the trail. You will know where we are headed.” he nodded and set out in a certain direction. As I had guessed the trail cleared ahead of him. 

We walked for what could have been hours but in reality was only minutes. Finally we came to a rock face. Normally this wouldn't scare me but here in dean's soul I am practically powerless. On the rock face was a hand print. I knew that it was dean's.

He reached out and laid a hand on it. The cliff face cracked straight up the middle before opening to admit us. Without fear or hesitation dean walked through. I followed. We traveled far into a cave. On the walls of the cave were wards and sigils written in the blue of Grace and the once bright green of Soul. 

Even without knowing it Dean was trying to protect the child. That explains the wards on the walls of the cave. Dean led me further down to a pool of what could have been water. Falling into the pool from the roof of the cave was Grace and Soul. You could see the two swirl together across the surface of the pool. 

Dean stopped and stared at the pool of water before looking to me for an explanation.

“when Cas died he was pregnant. This is a representation of the child you carry in your soul. When Cas died you inherited his Grace that included this. Normally I would never allow such a thing to exist but I created angels to love humanity before me. Castiel was the only one who mastered what I wanted for my children.   
He was the only one who mastered free will and love the way it was meant to be. For that I was willing to give him the gift of life. Because of him my children are learning that there is another way. Gabe was the next to follow in his footsteps. Gabe found Sam and all I ever wanted was for you to be happy.   
The Winchesters were cursed at an early age and you have done everything to break that curse. I have never seen two people who were more than willing to die for each other. If that is not loyalty than I'm not God. Castiel was there when your soul was created. You imprinted him. He is the reason you could never be happy with Lisa.   
I'm not sorry about you and him. I am sorry he had to die in front of you that way. I cannot say that enough.”

dean just looked down at the pool that was slowly lapping at his feet. He crouched as he tried to process all of this. He reached out and without causing a ripple lay his hand on the surface of the pool. He looked shocked but he didn't pull away. I watched as his expression went from shock to joy to heartbreak. 

After a time he pulled away. He seemed calmer and more at ease. I reached out and clasped his shoulder. 

“we will have to exit the cave before we can leave. If we don't the wards will collapse and destroy this place. Then the bonds on the Grace would completely collapse and destroy you and the surrounding area. It is all intricately tied together. The balance must be kept.   
You can come back here anytime you want. All you have to do is close your eyes and imagine. Cas is with you as long as that child walks this Earth. You have to protect that child because there are those who would kill to get their hands on it. I hate to say this but you have to lock Cas away and get back to life. There are people who are in danger here.”

dean looked up at me and I could see the fight come to life in his eyes. He was still there and he was still fighting. I didn't sigh in relief just yet. We left the cave and resurfaced in his bedroom in the bunker. When he sat up and looked at me I could see the barest hint of blue swirling in his eyes. 

That gave me hope that maybe this whole thing could be salvaged.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now we see how much Dean has changed since Cas died. Dean flashes back to Ga when he went looking for Cas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the other chapter I am TW against. Again it isnt graphic but I cannot write it in detail for personal reasons.

I sat up with a jerk. It wasn't a dream. Cas was gone. I couldn't do anything and Sam knew it. For three days I wandered around the bunker trying to accept that he was gone. I had been standing on the edge for days. The tipping point came when Sam sat me down and said that he wanted his brother back.

He didn't know that his brother died when that knife pierced Cas' heart. What sat before him was not his brother. The man who could joke and laugh and was whole was gone. I closed my eyes and I couldn't block the sound of Cas screaming in pain. I couldn't block the sight of his body going limp and his eyes going sightless. 

That night I started drinking. If they thought I had been an alcoholic before they haven't seen anything yet. I drank for a week straight. I should have been dead with the amount I had been drinking but every time I reached OD point I always sobered up. Every time I sobered up I kept drinking. 

I didn't want to remember. I didn't want to even be alive. I just wanted Cas. I wanted to wake up curled up in his arms as he watched me sleep. His habit of watching me sleep had always been kind of endearing to me. It made me feel safe like when mom used to tell me before I went to sleep that angels were watching over me. 

There was all that wasted time between us. Then once we had finally gotten together and actually had a shot at happiness he left. I know I was an alcoholic then. I had finally sobered up before I started looking for him. I had tracked him as far as Georgia before the trail went cold. 

Then when I had been laying plans to go after him Sam found a hunt. Damn witch had gotten the drop on me and cursed me. Then just when I thought I was going to die Cas showed up. At first I thought I was dreaming. Then he kissed me and I knew from the way I was feeling that he was real. 

That kiss gave me the strength to open his letter when I woke up. It was disappointing to wake up and find that Cas was gone again. Instead I opened his letter and cried as I read it because every word was true. That letter felt like a final goodbye. I almost started drinking again. 

Instead I went looking for Cas. I had finally found him right around the time I was starting to give up hope. I didn't ask for the humane society to go down in flames but it brought Cas out of hiding. I had been watching from the sidelines as Cas worked to calm and treat the animals as they were brought out of the building. 

I watched as he went to the local diner and ordered something to eat. I was happy that he didn't instantly run back to wherever he was hiding. I slid into his booth while he was distracted. I could have cried seeing him again. I didn't even know where to start. I walked him out to his car in silence. 

He handed me a box when I told him I didn't know where to start. I made a comment before he left about him not wearing his trench coat. He said “I still have it at home somewhere.” for some reason knowing he still had it meant the world to me. I read every letter he had written me. What my family didn't know is that when Cas didn't answer my prayers I started writing. 

I stayed up all night to read those letters. When I finished I tucked his letters into my duffel bag and put my letters in his box before going to the diner from last night. I ordered breakfast and waited for Cas to come in. when he did I had a hard time reconciling the man in front of me with the man I knew could be dangerous if I was in harms way. He was wearing blue jeans and flannel rather than the suit he always wore. 

To see him dressed so casually was kind of a turn on but right then I didn't need to go that route. I kept my mind on the business at hand. We talked a little bit but my mind was on what I was seeing in front of me. God, I missed him. We left the diner and he asked about Sam. 

I didn't have the heart to tell him that I had lied to Sam about where I was. It was hard to watch him drive away. I went back to the hotel and asked the owner if he knew anything about Cas. I got Cas' address from the old man in exchange for some small time handyman work. I was already planning how I would go about winning Cas back.

I needed Cas. I knew that much was true. It had killed me to watch him walk away six years ago. I never forgot that moment. The look in his eyes as he laid a hand on my shoulder. The slump in his shoulders as he walked away from me. The way his voice broke as he said goodbye.

Sam had found me curled up in the garden a few minutes later. He didn't say anything. He ran after Cas. When he came back alone I went off the deep end. I couldn't believe that my angel had just up and walked away from me when I needed him most. 

I jerked out of the memories as I looked around my room in the bunker. I was surrounded by bottles from my bender. I was sober for some reason. I didn't want to be for what I was about to do. I had grabbed my favorite knife and headed for the bathroom. I stripped down to my boxers and turned the shower on.

I was numb inside. I had to feel something even if it was physical pain. I set my teeth and dragged the knife across my skin time and time again till the blood ran freely down my arm. I kept going til my head was spinning from blood loss. Finally there came a point where the knife quit cutting. I have no idea why. 

Sammy came in at that point. He shoved me into the now cold shower and cleaned me up before taking me back to bed after he made sure I was okay. I woke up the next morning thinking it was all a really bad dream. Sam was the one to tell me that it had been a nightmare. I wanted to believe him. 

It was after breakfast that Chuck showed up. He grabbed my arm and took me somewhere. Next thing I know I'm standing in purgatory of all places. Chuck led me til we were standing next to a stream. His next words shattered the fragile hope that had curled in my chest. When I found out this was my soul I wanted to cry. 

I wanted to cry because you could see that it used to be so much more. I could see that losing Cas had done a huge number on me. Chuck told me that it was to be expected. I finally broke when he said that if he could have prevented this he would have. That's the funny thing about free will and fate. We try so hard to avoid losing the ones we love but Death always wins in the end. 

Chuck had carried me across the stream and as far as he could. He set me down and told me I would know where to go. Once I had my feet under me the path opened up before me. I knew where I was going but I had no idea what was laying at the end of the trail. We wound up at this cliff face. In the middle of it was a hand print. I knew that it was a perfect match for the one Cas had on his back. 

I had reached out knowing that answers lay behind the rock. I wasn't surprised when it split to admit me and Chuck. We walked through this cave in silence. On the walls I could see the shimmer of blue and green. My mind couldn't process the warding symbols. 

I wasn't scared of what was going on but I was scared of what I would find at the end. We came out of the tunnel into this room. It was as big as the library at the bunker. The majority of the room's floor was submerged. The main thing that got me was the blue and green that swirled thorough the pool. 

From the ceiling of the room fell blue and green. I knew that I could not disturb the pool. I knew that something bad would happen if I did. I looked to Chuck for an explanation for everything. His explanation left me in shock. 

How did you process this sort of thing? There was no handbook for this sort of thing. I wasn't ready to be a parent. As much as I didn't want this I was kind of happy that it had happened. It meant that some part of Cas was still alive. I crouched down and laid a hand across the surface of the pool. 

It surprised me when I felt the pool reach out to me. I felt the touch mentally. I sat for a minute just communicating with the pool. It was hard to believe that this was my child. I wanted Cas to be here for this. It was never supposed to be me. It was always us. 

After a moment of silent communication with the child I pulled away and stood up. Chuck explained that the place was warded and that to leave directly from the cave would cause the place to collapse and it would kill me. Despite what people think of me I can be smart when it matters most. I knew better than that kind of thing. 

Despite how things looked now that I knew I had something worth fighting for. I could push my heartbreak to the back for this. I was going to raise this child right. No more hunting. Sam was going to hate me for this but the bunker was no longer home. 

Chuck and I left the cave and surfaced in my bedroom of the bunker. Sam came into my room looking for me because he had a case. I could see the surprise on his face when I agreed to go with him. I got off the bed and showered before packing my duffel bag. I stumbled across the letters when I was trying to find my knife. 

I turned around letters in hand to ask Sam where my knife was. He was standing in the door way with my knife in hand. He gestured to the letters and asked “are those from Cas?” I nodded and said “Six years worth.” I could tell that he was hesitant to give me the knife but he handed it over without an argument. 

I put the knife in my duffel and put the letters next to it. I zipped it up and turned back to Sam. He smiled sadly and reached out. I let him pull me into a hug. I surprised him when I dropped my duffel and hugged him back. 

He finally pulled away when he heard Gabe coming down the hall. Gabe smiled to see me sober and standing. He wrapped his arms around Sam and said “I gotta go upstairs while your gone. Dad's gone missing again. It's making everyone nervous because he had just come back.”

“I think I know what he's up to. He'll be back. Don't ask me how I know but he will. He's working on something. He wouldn't say what but he's hiding somewhere upstairs working on something.” I said without thinking. 

Sam and Gabe both looked at me in shock. I simply shrugged and picked up my duffel bag before moving past them to go put my stuff in Baby's trunk. I wanted to give them time to say goodbye. I couldn't watch. It would have hurt too much. 

I know that Bonded they won't worry about each other but Goodbyes are still hard. I never wanted to say goodbye. In the words of someone I loved 'saying goodbye doesn't seem right.' I closed Baby's trunk and leaned against the car waiting for my brother. He came out with Gabe glued to his side. 

I looked away when Sam leaned in for that last kiss. My heart broke when I heard Gabe whisper “see you soon.” it reminded me too much of Cas' last words on that letter from years ago. I didn't wait around to hear what Sam said. I practically sprinted around the car and slid into the driver's seat.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And now back to Sam. He calls on Luci of all people. UH OH. Somethings up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter. the beginning was hard to write. the end was easy. it was my attempt at humor. the end and the next chapter.

Gabe failed miserably at calming me down. I went looking for a case because I needed to get out of the Bunker. Gabe understands that I'm worried about my brother. He hasn't been himself since Cas died. I know Chuck warned us that this would happen it was hard to accept now that I was seeing it. 

He knows I'm freaked out about finding my brother covered in his own blood in the bathroom. Dean acts like it never happened but that's dean for you. It surprised me when I found him in his bedroom and he agreed to take the case. I thought I was going to have to force him to come with me. It surprised me even more when he hugged me back. 

Whatever Chuck told him must have finally got through to Dean. He wasn't acting like his old self but he was interacting with me. I don't think he'll ever laugh or joke like he used to but it felt good to just hold him again. He picked up his duffel bag and went out to the Impala while Gabe and I said goodbye.

I wrapped my arms around him and gave him a little kiss before I said anything. 

“I think Chuck managed what we could not. Dean actually hugged me back. Whatever he told him worked. I want to get him away from the bunker for a little bit. That's why I dragged up a case. It will keep his hands busy while his mind processes.  
Idle hands being a devil's tool. Can you clean up his room while we're gone? I know your business can wait long enough for you to get rid of the bottles in his room. I think that he's going to leave the bunker one day. That day is coming sooner than I want.”

Gabe smiled sadly and said “he was always going to leave. He had already agreed to leave for Cas. I think he just found out about something that only reenforces the need to get out. He's a Winchester. Hunting will always be in his blood. He will always return to it no matter where he is the world will always have need of men like him.  
I'll clean up for you but I want you to keep an eye on him. He needs you right now and he'll deny it with his last breath but you two need to spend time together. Seeing us together hurts him. I'm kind of happy you did drag up a case for him. Take him out but don't let him drink. He won't look at another person but let him hustle a few games of pool. It will go a long way towards easing him back into who he is.”

I kissed Gabe as he latched on to me as I moved to the garage area where Dean was waiting for me. He was leaning against the Impala watching me and Gabe. He looked away when I leaned in for that last kiss. He practically jumped over the car to get in when he heard Gabe say “see you soon.” “I love you.” I told him before I slid into the car. 

Dean started the Impala and pulled out of the bunker. The man behind the wheel wasn't my brother plain and simple. My brother would have turned up AC/DC before we even pulled out of the driveway. My brother would have made a joke about me and Gabe or something else. My brother would have demanded pie when we stopped for gas. The man in the driver's seat did none of those things. 

Chuck had gotten through to him on some things but not on these things. He was going to have to readjust to normal life. I was on the verge of a panic attack because Dean wouldn't speak for any reason. It was almost like Dad had written about in his journal. When dean went through traumatic events his go to coping mechanism was to go mute. He wouldn't even whimper in pain or in his sleep. 

I have only seen him shut down like that maybe once or twice in my whole life. I do know that he went mute after I went to Stanford and it still hurt me to be the cause of that one. He was showing life but the fact that he wasn't speaking was worrying everyone. That old taboo from the first time Cas had left was back in place. I had my headphones in and was listening to music when I happened to look over at dean.

He was wiping his face and I could see the barest shake in his shoulders as he tried to hold the sobs and tears in. he finally pulled into a gas station and I got out so he could have some privacy to collect himself. I went in and paid for the gas and bought him some pie. When I came out of the store he was pumping the gas. I slid the pie over the roof of the car and he didn't even flinch when it hit him in the chest.

He didn't yell at me for possibly damaging Baby and that's what scared me the most. He put the pie in the car and finished pumping the gas. He got in the car and we pulled into Lima, Idaho, at sunset. He pulled into the motel and paid for the room. We dropped off our duffel bags before heading to the bar on an unspoken mutual agreement. 

I wasn't scared for Dean. I am fucking terrified of and for my brother. We went to the bar and he ordered a glass of water without pause. I ordered a beer and watched my brother head for the pool table. I wasn't surprised to see some of the women throwing themselves at him. He didn't even look. 

I kept a silent eye on my brother as I sipped my beer. I watched some hussy flounce over to Dean and press a beer into his hand. I saw him smoothly switch it for his water. I paid close attention to him when he turned her down and she started to get upset. Her idea of handling the rejection was to try and push herself further onto my brother.

When I saw the light in his eyes I stood. Silently I walked over to Dean. He was paying the floozy no mind as he continued his game. I reached up and grabbed her arm before she could lay a hand on him. I pulled her to an empty corner and hissed at her “Do NOT lay a hand on my brother. He just lost someone very close to him. He's drowning and you are making it worse. Let him play his pool and leave him the hell ALONE.  
I will be watching. I don't care if others come on to him because they know to leave well enough alone when he tells them no. you on the other hand do not know the meaning of the word no. he has no desire for you or anyone else. He just wants to blow off some steam and play pool.  
By the way my brother has been less than a week sober. Give him another beer and I will personally introduce you to my brother in law Lucifer. And he is the real Devil. My brother is barely holding on to his temper. I pulled you away to save him from jail not because I care about you. He is less than one move made by you away from snapping and hitting a woman for the first time. I can and will make you regret coming on to my brother if you do not back the hell down.”

I turned and walked away from the woman. As I passed by Dean I clapped him on the shoulder and went back to my beer. I settled back into the booth and watched dean. He was hustling several games of pool at once. There was a light to his eyes that had been missing for a while. He was hustling a rematch when floozy came back to him. 

Without warning I started to grin manically. Dearest Lucifer, dean needs some help. I promised this one chick who would not leave him alone a visit from you should she try to give him alcohol. I just witnessed the hand off. He won't drink though thank Chuck. I prayed to my brother in law.

The sound of wings later he was sitting beside me. “so who do I get the pleasure of torturing this evening?” I said “do you see the brunette chick hanging all over Dean? I warned her not even five minutes ago to lay off. She apparently is not going to listen to me. Besides dean is on his way to full blown meltdown. I can see it in his eyes.” 

Lucifer stood and made his way across the bar to the pool table. He pulled dean into a bear hug. He said something to dean that made his emerald eyes go dull. I watched the chick who had been hanging on to dean pull back at something Luci had said. I walked over to them at that moment. I smiled so sweetly at the chick. This was going to be fun. 

I'm not a normally evil person but this was my broken brother we were talking about. I would do anything for dean but right now he needed me to step up for him because he couldn't do it himself.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And now on to LUCIFER. We get to see what he's been up to since Cas died.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the last of the alternating POV's at least until I decide to change it up. oh by the way ungraphic torture in this chapter.

I was getting bored hanging around Heaven waiting on Michael to help Gabe and Dad restore order. I know my mate loves me and all but we were all suffering from the loss of Cas. Even when I had been in the pit I had always thought of Cas as my favorite angel. I did not mean anything against him when I deatomitized him in the cemetery before I was thrown back into the pit. His loss hit us the hardest. 

I know Dad had something planned because what should have been Cas' heaven was empty. There were no lingering traces of soul left. I stretched and flared my wings in frustration. I needed something to do and Dad had grounded the majority of my Grace until I could learn to control the urge to smite every human I meet. Instead I was answering prayers. The miracle kind. 

It was teaching me a lot of things. It was teaching me that I should leave Justice up to my brother. He had spent several millennium doling out justice to those who deserve it. I had forgotten my original purpose in the pit. I had so much to make up for and I had no idea where to even begin. How could he just forgive me like that? 

I was lounging on a couch waiting for everyone to step back for a few moments. Because I was doing nothing better I felt the moment Sam Winchester of all people invoked my name. I waited several moments before I heard him pray to me. 

Dearest Lucifer, dean needs some help. I promised this one chick who would not leave him alone a visit from you should she try to give him alcohol. I just witnessed the hand off. He won't drink though thank Chuck.

I looked up and saw that they had finally stopped when Sam's prayer came through. Dad looked at me and raised an eyebrow. All I could do was shrug. I looked over at Michael to see him pinning me with that stare. It made my mouth dry and my knees weak. I looked back at Dad and he gave me a small nod before I took off. 

I looped into the prayer and landed next to Sam as he sat in the back of a bar watching Dean hustle pool. “who do I get the pleasure of torturing this fine evening” I said with a cold malice under my words. Sam told me what was going on and I smirked at the thought of actually getting to smite someone. Finally a way out for my frustration.

I walked over to Dean and pulled him into a hug. If he wasn't part angel it would have broken his spine. I said into his ear “we all miss him. I hope we find it before too much longer. You'll see him again.” I pulled back and said to the brunette that had been hanging on to him “I'm Lucifer. You were told I was coming.” 

dean walked over to Sam and sat down at the table. He put his head down because he wanted nothing to do with what was going to happen. The brunette almost jumped as Sam joined me at the pool table where Dean had been a few moments ago. “Did he introduce himself? This is my brother in law Lucifer but I gather you already know that. I told you, you would regret coming on to my brother.”

the smile on our faces was enough to make anybody's blood run cold. Everyone around took a step back. I reached out and grabbed the chick's arm. The next moment we were standing in an empty warehouse. Sam and Gabe showed up less than two seconds later. I raised an eyebrow. Surely they didn't leave Dean at the bar. 

I guess Sam read my mind because he said “He went for a drive. I told him I would see him at the hotel later on tonight. He needs time to breakdown alone.” I nodded and turned back to the woman. “now then where were we? That's right. Coming on to a man who just lost everything he ever cared about.” 

Gabe stepped up then. One second the woman was standing the next she was tied to a chair. “good idea. I'm a little out of practice.” I said. Sam stepped up beside Gabe and said “what's your name?” “Taylor.” “thanks. Do you know the crime you committed that two archangels would take offense and see to your punishment?” Gabe asked.

I conjured my blade. Her eyes widened and I will shamelessly admit I took pleasure in that. I wanted to hear her answer. “Apparently I tried to sleep with the wrong guy. If I had known I would get this kind of reaction I would have stayed away from him.”

“you should have seen the lifelessness in his eyes. You should have known when he said no. even angels need consent. That gave you no right to keep pushing. My brother is a broken shell of a man. He's not looking for a one night stand. He had a stable loving relationship. They were going to have a child. He isn't accepting it very well. You are aggravating the problem.” Sam said.

I stepped forward and said “enough talk. I'm itching for some action.” I reached out and ran my hand over Taylor's hair. Without a word I sliced through the long strands. They fell into a pile at my feet. I may or may not have nicked the back of her neck in the process. Gabe stepped forward and conjured his blade. He cut the sleeves off of her shirt. None of us were gentle with our blades. 

Sam stood back and watched. I sliced across the back of her shirt as Gabe sliced through the front and let the shirt puddle around her waist. I sliced through her bra straps with three flicks of my wrist. As I stood behind her I drew careless designs on her back with my knife. Gabe was doing something in front of her. When I finally pulled the knife away and saw what I had carved into her back I laughed. 

Gabe stepped behind Taylor to view my handiwork. Carved into her back on both sides of her spine were Enochian sigils that required explicit consent before desire could be accessed. Gabe laughed as well. “that's one way to do it Luci. You always did have a flair for the dramatic.” 

I looked up and Sam was watching Gabe with lust darkened eyes. I knew how Gabe would be working this off later. I had a feeling someone else would be too. I walked back around Taylor's front. Gabe had made it so that she would remember this night. There was a discreet line of Enochian across her ribcage. It said “consent always.” “And I have a flair for the dramatic. You more so than me, little brother.” 

I turned just in time to catch the hot open mouthed kiss Gabe gave Sam. The flare of desire I saw at the display of need was huge. I tried to control it but Michael felt it. Finish your business. We have things to attend to. He said through the bond. I healed the sigils but did not remove them completely. I fixed her clothing but not her hair. 

I let her out of the chair before I took her back to the bar. She stumbled for her car and to get away from me as fast as possible. Before I could return to Michael he showed up behind me. He wrapped his arms around my waist and I turned to face him. He pulled me down far enough to give me a kiss that was backing up the stare he had given me earlier. 

He always did love it when I came back from the cells. The high from torturing someone is unmatched except by great sex which is the only way to bring me down from the high. Michael knew this and planned to take full advantage.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DEAN

nobody can understand what I'm going through. I knew that I was scaring my brother but he could never understand how much I'm struggling to stay standing. I know it startled him to have me stay silent when he slid something across the roof of Baby. I couldn't summon the energy to lecture him about my car. We got to the town where the case was and after securing a room we went the bar. 

I wasn't looking for an easy lay. I just wanted to hustle pool. After asking for water to my brother's raised eyebrow I headed for the pool tables. I couldn't drink because I had made a silent promise to both Chuck and the baby that I would lay off the alcohol. Besides I needed to be clear headed for the next few months and on guard even though I was barely alive. 

I had been shooting pool for maybe an hour before the town's lay came up to me. I had turned all the others down and I didn't even miss my shot when I turned her down. She had tried to give me a beer not knowing about my sobriety pledge but I switched the beer for my water when she was not looking. Just when I was starting to get irritated Sam came up and dragged the woman away. Thank God. 

I happened to be listening in and heard Lucifer mentioned. That wasn't good. She needed to back off before either I snap or Sam calls in the reinforcements. I was getting so much closer to snapping when Lucifer finally showed up. He gave me a hug and said something that I have no memory of. He turned to the woman whose name I cannot remember for the life of me. My mind had been on my pool game and nothing else. 

She paled before I turned and walked over to the table where Sam had been sitting. I laid my head down on the table and watched through my arms as Sam walked up to Lucifer and they proceeded to intimidate everyone there. I knew what was coming next. Sam had told her so this is all on her. 

Once Lucifer was gone Sam turned to me. I stood and collected the money I had earned before I turned and left the bar. I was standing next to Baby when Gabe showed up. He took one look at me grabbed my brother and vanished with a rustle of feathers. I got into the Impala and started driving. Once I was far enough away from civilization I started crying. I kept crying as I pulled Baby to the side of the road. 

I wiped the tears long enough to go to Baby's trunk and rifle through my second duffel bag. I found Cas' letters and got back into the car. I sat there for hours as I reread all of them. Then I pulled the letter I carried everywhere out of my jacket and read it. I was crying before I finished the first one. 

I couldn't breathe, was barely surviving now. How did I manage it the first time? I needed to find the other half of the letters. I know they're in the bunker somewhere. I felt the baby stir before I suddenly found myself sitting outside the bunker. Like a man possessed I tore my room apart looking for that box. I finally found it next to Cas' duffel bag on the floor in the back of my closet. 

I pulled both objects out of the closet. Laying just inside Cas' bag was his trench coat. I flashed back to that day in the barn. That was when my whole life changed. I couldn't remember hell or what happened when Cas pulled me out. I wiped a few stray tears off my face and pulled his coat out before I buried my nose in it. It smelled just like him. 

He smelled like apple pie, spice, and the barest hint of ozone. The ozone always got stronger when he used his Grace. I pulled back and dove for the box. I opened it wary of what I would find even though I knew. Laying on top was that photo of us at the beach. 

I pulled out my series of letters and closed the box as fast as possible. I wanted to keep Pandora's box of memories firmly closed. I picked up the coat and left with my letters to the living room area. Once I got there I pushed every single piece of furniture except for the tables away. I pushed the tables together so that I had an appropriate amount of work space.

I took cas' letters and laid them out on the table by date. I took mine and laid them on their counterparts after I read them. I then reached out and stacked them into seven. Once I finished I went to the kitchen and got a bottle of water out of the fridge. That was when I noticed the time. I was supposed to meet Sam at the hotel but I have a feeling he spent the night with Gabriel. 

I went back out to the Impala with Cas' coat in hand. As soon as I had shut the door I was in the hotel parking lot. I got out of the Impala and went into the hotel. Sam wasn't back yet so I pulled a bottle of Jack out of my bag and laid on the bed. Next thing I know Sam is shaking me awake wearing clean clothes. 

I'm guessing he showered at Gabe's safe house. I sat up and set the unopened bottle of Jack on the nightstand before standing and heading for the shower. I saw Sam eye the bottle with a raised eyebrow. I knew that he was reasoning that as long as it remained unopened he would not protest its existence near me. I showered and tried not to think. 

I finished my shower and dressed. Sam had food when I got done. I ate in silence as Sam did research. Once the last of my food was gone I closed my eyes. When I opened them I stood before the cliff while I knew that I was still sitting at the table across from Sam. I opened the passage way and went inside. 

I wanted away from everyone but Cas right now. This was the closest I could get to him. In seconds rather than the minutes the first trip took I was standing in that room again. It had changed. Where the pool had once been it was now a huge flower. I knew that my child was developing and reacting to me and the things around me. This way the child was not so defenseless. 

I reached out curious as to gender. I got a flash of male then the rebuke that angels do not have genders. I smiled and replied “oh really. Then explain your dad. Explain Michael and Lucifer. Explain Gabriel. Explain Anna. You can't. Angels may be utterly indifferent to gender but they still have one.” I could feel the curiosity coming off the little one. 

I wanted to further my bond with the child so I reached out to touch it. Once I had laid my hand on it the flower unfurled. In a heartbeat I was pulled in as the flower closed back up. Me and the child spent time just existing side by side and getting to know one another. By extension he was getting to know about his other father and the love we shared. I cried when he asked about Cas. 

He reached out and wiped the tear away. I could feel the curiosity and explained via my memory what had happened to Cas. He reached out and surrounded me feeling so much like Cas I jerked so hard I fell out of the cave and my chair. I happened to look up from the floor and see Sam and Gabe along with Michael and Lucifer staring at me. 

“where'd you go? You drifted off once you finished breakfast. We were worried about you. Nobody could find you.” Sam asked. I picked myself up off the ground and gave a half assed excuse and everyone there knew I wasn't going to talk about it. They knew better than to push. 

I had just re situated myself when I felt the mental brush from my son. I sent back a reassurance. I happened to catch the stare the three angels were giving me. “What? Can a man have some mental privacy?” Sam looked up from where he was researching to pin me with a stare. 

I felt the brush again as he wondered about what was going on. Three sets of angel eyes widened. I pulled up a wall so I could be alone in my mind for now. The eyes continued to widen. Sam was staring at his mate in confusion. 

“is that what I thought it was?” “I could have sworn it felt like him.” “it couldn't have been. He's been gone for a month.” were the confused statements that were made. It was only a matter of time before they turned to me and tried to corner me. I couldn't let them. 

I started to panic at the thought of them asking. I tried to get out of the room but Lucifer went and stood before the door. My breathing picked up as I started to hypo-ventilate. Sam came over and laid his hands on my shoulders making the situation worse. Just before I could do something stupid Chuck showed up and said “let him out.” Lucifer stepped away from the door and I bolted. 

Once I was away from the hotel I finally stopped to catch my breath. I walked over to the diner that was down the street and sat down. I ordered a milkshake and took sometime to calm down. I couldn't face them just yet. I wasn't ready. 

I had finally reached a point of calm when Chuck slid into the booth across from me. We sat in silence for a while. Just as I stood to pay for my milkshake Chuck said “I cannot hold them off forever. They want to know and they will find out sooner or later. I would rather it be the former. Don't put them off just because you aren't ready. You are never going to be ready. The only thing you can do is get it over with and move on.” 

I gave a jerky nod and went to pay for my milkshake. I left the diner right after and went back to the motel. They were still there and waiting. I sat down in the chair I had vacated hours earlier. I took a deep breath and said “I owe y'all an explanation. I know I do but you cornered me earlier and I felt trapped. It's a good thing Chuck stepped in. I've had time to think about this and how I want to explain this. Instead of explaining I want to show you on the condition that nobody gets told.”

I glared long and hard at everyone. I was going to violate myself for them because there are no words for this. There are no ways to explain this that make it believable. I stood and put Michael's hand on Luci's shoulder before putting Luci's hand on Gabe's shoulder and Gabe had Sam around the waist. I put my hand on my brother's chest and the next second we were in the bunker. 

I could feel the demand for an explanation so I explained “I don't want to be open to attack while we do this. Also this is me demanding that the angels stow the Grace until we return.” I glared at each angel until I got a confirmation nod. Just as I closed my eyes I felt that mental brush again. I focused and pulled three other people in with me. 

When I opened my eyes we were standing at the same point Chuck and I had stood at mere days ago. I turned around to find my guests looking a little green around the gills. “where are we?” Gabe demanded. I said nothing but turned and started walking. They followed in silence until Michael asked “Is this Purgatory?” I shook my head no.

“It will become clear soon.” I said quietly. We got the stream and I crossed it trying not to let the memories of the last stream overwhelm me. In no time we got to the rock face. I could hear the collective gasp from the men behind me. I opened the cavern and they had no choice but to follow. 

They followed me down after I cautioned Sam to take nothing of the wards on the walls. He promised that he would not try to decipher them or touch them. I held his shoulder the whole way down to remind him. We finally got to the room. It was empty according to them even though green and blue continued to fall from the ceiling. 

Gabe in all his wonder tried to touch the falling colors and Sam snatched him back while hissing “do not touch anything. You will disturb a very delicate balance and kill us all. I know where we are and balance is essential here. You will disrupt the wards and set off a very precise set of motions that will kill everyone here. I value my life little that it is.” 

I heaved a sigh of relief and felt the brush of curiosity from my son. He was wondering who the visitors were. I sat on the floor and explained to a seemingly empty room who each man was. I could feel him creeping around the edge of the room. In a rush he was suddenly sitting in my lap. He was wearing a human form for the benefit of those around us but I could tell he wanted to be alone no matter how curious he was. 

I rubbed noses with my son as Michael suddenly sat hard. “I know you.” he said. My son said nothing as he sat in my lap. The rest of the guys were looking on in shock. I could tell Michael was itching to reach out Grace wise to my son but was holding to my order to keep it stowed. “do you know where we now are?” I asked of the company. 

They all nodded in total understanding. “he feels so much like Cas.” I nodded. “that's what threw me out this morning. It startled me and threw me out of the trance.” I explained. Without a word to my son I stood and led everyone else out of the cavern. Once we were outside the protective wards I banished them from my soul and felt Grace form a shield over my soul keeping everyone out. 

I went back to my son and curled up in him. I stayed telling him about his uncles. He was horrified when he found out that Michael was trying to possess me at one point in time. It bothered him when he found out that everyone had told me to kill Sam at one point. My son was all that was keeping me grounded for now. He was all I had to live for. 

He was trying to burn the depression out of my body but because of the state of my soul he couldn't. I told him to leave off. It couldn't be done unless Cas was brought back. He agreed and left it at that. I pulled away from him and went wandering through my own soul. 

It was depressing to see. It was only a matter of time before I found myself in this place that was clear of all life. It was flat as far as the eye could see. It was made of granite but in the middle of it was another hand print. This time there was a warning written in Enochian. At the bottom of the warning it said I love you Dean. This is my legacy to our son.

I knew better than to open the vault. I turned and walked away from it before I could be tempted to open it ahead of time. As I walked away I heard a roar from under the ground. I wandered to an abyss in my soul and I knew that it was where Cas would inhabit my soul were he still alive. It was the gaping hole that was a constant reminder of what I was missing. As a matter of fact over half my soul was missing. 

I sat at the edge of the abyss and talked to Cas for a while. Before I left I threw a tentative prayer into the abyss like a penny. Standing I left my soul and surfaced in the hotel. The instant I surfaced I got a phone call from Sam. He was looking for me. I calmed him down and told him where I was.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean's been keeping secrets. Also somethings got out of Hell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright. I lied. Hell is the picture but nobody makes any deals or gets sent to hell.

I was in our hotel room for the case. Speaking of I know what we're hunting. This is gonna get nasty. I told Sam before I hung up that we were going to need the reinforcements. Two seconds later there's a knock at the door. I opened it to find Crowley of all people on the other side. He took one look at me and said “call them off, squirrel. This is not y'all fight. I've got everything under control.” 

I rolled my eyes and said “I'll believe it when I see it. How's Hell anyway?” he shrugged and said “Hell is Hell. Something got out and as long as you and the angels are not in the area then nobody is in danger of dying.” “I'm surprised you care, demon.” I drawled as I leaned against the doorjamb. 

“now then. I want you to answer this question very seriously before I decide to smite you. What got out of Hell and how do you plan to send it back?” I said emotionless. Crowley was no idiot. He decided to answer the question with a question. “where's the angel? Normally you and him are joined at the hip in every sense of the word.” 

I stepped forward fully prepared to throw him across the parking lot when Sam and Gabe appeared behind Crowley. “dean we need him alive. I know it hurts to hear someone talk about him but Cas did have a lot of friends. Hell even I respected the sneaky sonofabitch. If we want to know what we're up against Crowley is our best source of information.” 

Crowley raised an eyebrow at the use of the past tense in the same sentence as Cas. I took another step forward just as an arm came across my chest. Gabe just nodded in Michael and Lucifer's direction. That was when Crowley decided to pick up on the first statement. “smite me? How could a human smite a demon?” “don't push it demon. Dean's on edge enough. Stop trying to aggravate it.” Luci said. 

“now back to the original question. What got out of Hell and how do you plan to send it back?” I got out through clenched teeth. Crowley had his hands up as he said “something worse than Leviathans. Legion.” I heard Sam swear from where he was standing. The other angels didn't look happy. 

I finally gave into the urge and threw Crowley across the parking lot. He landed on this car and completely crushed it. The alarm was going off and Michael silenced it with a wave of his hand. Three very pissed off archangels and two very pissed off hunters descended on the moaning demon. When Crowley looked up there was a great deal of fear in his eyes but there was also respect and the slightest tinge of awe. 

“I told you not to push him demon. Now you and I are going to take a little trip and you are going to tell us everything you know about Legion. Sam call Bobby.” Luci said. “you created Legion and you're asking the humans to do the research.” “my memories from that time are fuzzy at best. I honestly had no clue of what I was doing.” was the reply.

All of a sudden Luci gave Michael a kiss and grabbing Crowley left. Michael fixed the car Crowley had landed on with a simple pass of his hands on the metal. I turned to my brother and said “we should go. Its a long drive back to Sioux Falls.” I went back into the motel like I didn't just throw a demon across a parking lot after threatening to smite him. 

I grabbed my unpacked duffel bag and threw it in Baby's trunk. I was waiting for Sam to get out of the motel and I knew better than to walk in on my brother. We both had learned our lessons on stuff like that. He came out after a few minutes. I got in the car and started her up. The familiar purr of the engine didn't soothe my fractured nerves like it used to. 

I drove all day and night to make it Sioux Falls. Sam had offered to relieve me but I had turned him down because I couldn't sleep anymore. We pulled up at Singers Salvage Yard at the ass crack of dawn. Bobby was waiting on the front porch for us. He hugged us both and said “Dean you look like hell. Go get some sleep. Sam and I are going to do some research and you know that drives you nuts.” 

I took his gentle command for what it was and after making sure Sam was alright I passed out face first on the bed. When I woke up it was at dark the next day. I didn't feel bad about sleeping for so long. As a matter of fact Bobby was cooking when I came downstairs. I inhaled deep and said “smells good dad.” he smiled.

Once it was ready to go he served it up and Sam and I crowded around the table like we used to. Nobody mentioned how long I had had been asleep. Everyone knew I was fragile and on the verge of breaking. Nobody protested me going back to bed once the dishes were done. I closed my eyes and opened them at the abyss in my soul. I didn't turn around when I felt Chuck show up.

“what would happen if I threw myself into it?” “the darkness would consume you to the point of suicide. Most people lose a soul mate and it kills them only a short while later. The reason you are still alive is because I have plans for you. Not the kind of plans I once had. I want you to be an example to the rest of my angels for how we should love humanity because even I have forgotten how.”

finally I turned to face him. I said “how do you expect me to do that when I can barely take care of myself. Let alone my child. How can you expect me to lead Heaven when my own brother is a better example than me? I don't want to do it. I will never be the same after this. Even if Cas suddenly came back I will be forever changed by this.   
The longer this goes on the greater the damage. At least when Cas was still alive I knew it. I could feel it right here. Kushiel ripped away the majority of who I am with the plunge of a dagger. I would kill her again and again if I could. I would want her to know my pain.   
None of you can understand this kind of pain. Now your Bonded angels might if something were to happen to them but right now they don't. It's Hell all over again. Knowing I'm carrying Cas' child makes it infinitesimally easier but it will never replace Cas. Because of Cas I could never remember Hell for which I was entirely grateful but now I remember it all.   
I remember every thing about Hell. I also remember what happened after Hell. I remember how Cas would do simple things for me in his heaven. How he read me his favorite novel. He even taught me Enochian and several other languages.   
I remember the night he had kissed me and the first time we had made love in his heaven. The little details about Cas I remember. Things nobody knows about him I remember. I remember I panicked when he told me it was time to surface on Earth again. He told me he would bind some of his Grace in me so that I could always find him.   
He cried as he told me he would have to wipe my memory. We had cried together before he kissed me one last time and I suddenly was crawling out of my own grave in Pontiac, Illinois. He forgot to wipe one thing from me. He either forgot or wanted me to remember that night. I would always pick Cas if I was forced to choose between Cas or Sam. Sam knows and he doesn't hold it against me. He would do the same if it was me or Gabe.   
I cannot do what you want of me. Not til Cas comes home.”

I turned back to the abyss and woke up. Downstairs I could hear several people arguing. I sat up in bed and shaking my head yelled down the stairs in Enochian “you're yelling fit to wake the dead. Solve this before I come down and solve it for you. Luci be nice to Bobby. There's no need to terrorize him. Besides you couldn't smite a fly even if you tried. You're grounded, remember? Gabe stop trying to eat all the sugar in the house. Michael control Luci. He is your mate therefore he is your responsibility.” 

I got out of bed and went to the bathroom. Once I had used the toilet and showered I went back to my room to get dressed. Once I came downstairs everyone pinned me with a stare. “it seems Dean-o has been hiding things from us once again. Where did you learn Enochian?” “you would not believe me. Even if I told you. I know more than you think so don't try and figure it out. I won't tell on this one.” I told Gabe.

The angels simply shook their heads. Luci turned to me and asked in Sumerian “how did you know Dad grounded my Grace?” “simple. I can see the bindings on your Grace. He also bound it so that you can't use Michael's Grace unless it is an absolute emergency.” I replied in kind. I saw Sam take out a piece of paper and start taking notes on the languages I could speak.

All day I had the angels even Bobby figuring out how many I could speak. Sam was taking constant notes even as we did research on Legion. As I was sitting at the table translating a tome for Sam I suddenly knew where I could find the information on Legion. I gathered the angels and said in Greek “we need to go to the Library of Alexander. What we are looking for is there. I've seen it. I know it is.” 

they didn't argue with me. Luci grabbed me before we were suddenly standing in the lost library. I turned and followed the instinct that was telling me where what we were looking for was. We walked for maybe an hour before I stopped and turned to the shelf on my left. I browsed the titles before I found what I was looking for. It was way up in the air at the very end of the shelf. One second it was on the shelf the next it was in my hand. 

The book I was holding was thick and very old. It contained everything we needed. We went back to Bobby's house. I set the book on the table and asked Sam “where's Bobby?” “out in the shed with Crowley. He didn't say why.” 

I went out to the shed. I stood in the doorway watching with a twisted sense of fascination as my father figure made out with the demon who made my life hell. I turned and walked away without a word to either of them. When I got back to the house I found Sam and the angels working on the book I had taken them to get. 

Sam was pestering them with questions about the Library. I heard Gabe promise to take him once this was over. The angels were discussing how I was developing skills that had not been seen in a long time. I stepped into the room and said in Enochian “the answer is simple. Unclaimed Grace knows everything. Plus I have Cas' Grace to draw on for knowledge. The missing factor is the fact that Cas went out of his way to teach me for about ten years. Ten years in his heaven were not even a month on Earth. He taught me so that I would be able to research what I was missing without having to rely on others.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> to my loyal readers or anybody really. I'm sorry I'm not updating more but I've been working alot lately. hopefully when i get off tomorrow i can get a few more chapters typed and posted. thanks for sticking with this story. to my old readers i have several ideas bouncing around my head once i finish this story. i hope i can post them soon.

In English I said “as for how I knew where the book was, Chuck told me. Something is going to happen once we defeat Legion.” I turned to Sam and dropped a kiss on his head before I went up to the attic by myself. Once the door was closed behind me I dropped to my knees and started crying. Once Legion is gone I need to heal. I need to go back to Georgia. 

This is my last case and I think Sam knows it. He won't say it but he knows this is my last case with him. Once I had been up there for a few hours Bobby came knocking on the door and said “Dean, supper's ready. We'll be downstairs waiting for you.” I made an affirmative sound and went about pulling myself back together enough to go downstairs and face the people I called family. 

Once my tears had been dried and my face washed I came downstairs and sat at Bobby's kitchen table. We sat down as a family for the first time in a long time. The sad thing is we were missing a key member who had a standing invitation to dinner. Everybody could feel it, that sense of something missing. That sense of unwholesomeness and unhappiness which was all mine but I tried for my family. I honestly did but everybody could feel it even though I tried to hide it. 

Once supper was over and the dishes cleaned we gathered in the living room to get back to researching on Legion. Just before we retired for the night Sam stumbled across the key to locking Legion away in Purgatory for good. He marked his place and kissed Gabe good night before I tucked him into bed. I curled up next to him for the body heat. Gabe stood guard outside the room all night. 

When I woke up to the smell of bacon Sam was laying with his arms wrapped around my waist and his head on my chest. We were sleeping much like we used to when we were little. Sam didn't say anything as he stumbled out of bed towards the shower. I curled back up in the warm spot he had just vacated and went back to sleep. He shook me awake a few moments later to shower and get dressed. I followed still half asleep as he led me to the bathroom. 

I thought nothing of it as I stripped out of the clothes I was wearing with Sam still in the bathroom. Once I was in the shower I fully woke up. Sam wasn't thinking anything of it that two things were occurring here. First being I had yet to speak. The second being I was allowing him to care for me. This had occurred before so he knew what to do. He also knew that until I found my voice again sign language would be his best friend. 

I got out of the shower and got dressed in the clothes laying on the sink. When I came out of the bathroom toweling my hair Sam took the towel out of my hand and finished it for me. Once he was done he threw the towel into the laundry basket before leading me downstairs for breakfast. Nobody thought anything of it when I sat next to Sam so close we were touching. Once we were done eating Sam led me back to the living room to research the ritual to banish Legion. 

Once we had finished checking and crosschecking our facts to make sure we had everything right we tried to figure out were we could get the need items for the ritual. It wasn't til Bobby wanted to know what I wanted for lunch that Hell broke loose. I signed something to Sam who translated for me because I couldn't talk. Bobby simply shook his head and went with it. Michael cocked his head and I started shaking my head no. he looked too much like Cas in that moment. 

Sam, thank God, stepped up and kept Michael from asking the question and calmed me down in one move. Once I was calm enough Sam asked me if he could explain it to them so they wouldn't feel so left out about what was going on. I stood before signing to Sam 'I don't care what you tell them but I don't need to relive this. I'll be working on the Impala. Come get me when lunch is ready.' Sam nodded as I walked out the house. 

I had been working on Baby for maybe half an hour before I heard Bobby call me back to the house from the porch. I went in and ate while everybody talked about finding the ingredients for the ritual. Once I was done with lunch and my dishes had been cleaned I went back up to the attic to get away from everybody. I sat underneath the attic window until Sam came upstairs and sat next to me. “We have to let Crowley loose so we can get everything we need for the ritual. I know you're planning to disappear once we lock Legion away. You can't be near us when we preform the ritual.   
I don't want you to get sucked into Purgatory again. You wouldn't survive. I'm not sorry about what goes down soon. Whatever happens know that I love you and want whats best for you.”

'I know all of this. I know I won't survive Purgatory. I'm not sorry either. I love you too. Gabe has been good for you. We went from back pockets to comfortable distance. I don't panic if you don't call in every two hours.   
Mom always used to say angels were watching over me. I believed her. Now my angel is missing. I can't cope, Sam. He can't be gone. I know he's out there somewhere. I know it. Once Legion has been dealt with I want to go after him but our son comes first. That's what he would want. I know it.' I told Sam without saying a word. 

At that moment I was happy John had made us learn sign language when we were little. He made us learn because I wouldn't talk but it had its uses. I was grateful to my little brother for everything he was doing for me.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had too much free time on my hands. i got this written and posted an HP fic on here. i was writing and posting as i wrote. i get tomorrow off thank god so i can get more written. i hope to wrap this series up soon. i have other stories to write and post. but do not fear i will still take good care of this fic.

It took two weeks to find everything for the ritual. During that time I said nothing. Now that we had everything for the ritual now we just had to wait for the conditions to be right. During that time I took to tracking Legion as it moved across the country. Right now they were in our hometown of Lawrence, Kansas. 

At that moment I wanted to go after it just so I would have something to kill. In the past two weeks my angelic abilities grew off the charts. Legion was on a war path for Lucifer. Lucifer was ensconced in Heaven with Michael trying to fix what had been broken by war. For two weeks I had to deal with Crowley running his smart mouth but I couldn't find it in me to shoot back at him. 

I had told Sam through ASL that I would shoot Crowley if he didn't stop running his mouth about things he knew nothing about. Later after that I saw Sam, Lucifer, and Michael tearing Crowley a new one in the living room while Bobby was out getting supplies. I stood in the doorway with a cup of coffee wishing I could drink because I wanted a beer or something stronger at that moment. Sam saw the coffee mug and asked me a question with a raised eyebrow. I shook my head no in answer. 

None of the angels questioned the way the two of us communicate anymore. They learned not to after Sam told them why I use ASL. He turned back to Crowley who had seen the exchange. Crowley finally got up the nerve to ask “why won't the squirrel talk? I've been loose for the past two weeks and he has yet to reply to anything I say. Why can't I get a rise out of him?”

“that's what we're here to address. First things first though.” once those words were out of Sam's mouth I stepped up and punched Crowley across the face. “That's for running your mouth about Cas. Cas isn't here because he's dead. That leads us to our next topic of conversation. Dean and speaking.” Crowley had pulled a handkerchief out of his pocket and was trying clean his split lip. Sam pulled dad's journal off the table next to him. 

He opened it to the proper page. “November 8, 1983 It has been almost a week since the fire. Dean has yet to say anything. When I am sitting at the hotel table after midnight I sometimes see him crying in his sleep. He never makes a sound or lets on the next morning that he had even been crying. I am becoming concerned. He won't answer my question when asked. All he does is watch after Sammy with a vigilance that would make any body scared. He never lets the boy out of his sight. When we were questioned about the fire at the police station they had brought in a child psychologist who said that this might happen. She said that the trauma of the fire and losing his mother would cause him to go so long without speaking. She said that the length of time he went without speaking depended on him. I wonder if this will be a reoccurring thing in life and if so how can I help Dean through it? I guess sign language would be a start. He still need to communicate even if its not in words.” 

Sam looked up from the journal with a question in his face. I shook my head in a way that said 'maybe later.' Sam nodded and turned a few pages in dad's journal. He cleared his throat before he continued reading. “August 21, 1985. it's been three years since the fire. Dean still isn't speaking. It's starting to scare me that he won't speak or make any sound that may even suggest that he would talk. I sent him to a school where they teach sign language and other things he needs to learn when he isn't speaking. At least he communicates through sign language. He taught Sammy sign language. I am starting to think that Sammy won't speak unless dean does. Sammy is four years old. Most four year olds would be talking up a storm not Sammy. He's learning by watching Dean. If Dean isn't speaking then Sammy won't. At least I can hear Sammy laugh when Dean does something to make him happy. That sound gives me hope that one day my boys will talk.” 

a few more pages turned. “January 6, 1987. five years since the fire. Dean and Sammy spoke for the first time in years. I cried when I heard Dean say Sam's name for the first time since the fire. Sammy's first word was Dean. His first steps were towards Dean. It's only fitting that his first word be the name of the one person who has cared more for him than I ever have.” 

Sam looked up from the journal and asked “Dean?” I shook my head no. I was not answering that loaded question until we were alone. He nodded to snow he understood. He closed dad's journal and set it aside before turning back to Crowley. “make sense now? I can go on and on with examples of times dean didn't talk. There was that time after I left for Stanford. That lasted two months. Dean not speaking is nothing new in this house. So lay off the commentary and he won't be tempted to shoot you in front of Bobby.” 

Crowley said as Bobby walked in the front door “I accept your terms for peace.” “who made a deal?” bobby asked when he saw all of us in the living room. I finished the coffee in my mug and pushed past Bobby to get to the kitchen so I could avoid the wrath I knew was coming. I was washing my mug while listening to Crowley explain what happened.


End file.
